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29 April 2010

Im gonna be at home in few hour....

Currently im sittig at KFC Kuching International Airport...Wasting my time online after finished having my brunch (breakfast + lunch)....my flight will be at 12:25 pm and now only 10:30 am...its like 2 hours more to go..it not my fault to come hear early...i asked for a cab at 9:30 so a can arrive airport approx 10 am...instead my cab arrive at 9:05 am...what the f***.....but i have no choice..and i arrived airport approx 9:30.thanks god i already ready my things and myself...and now...this two hours...what im gonna do....hmm...

By the way....all this hliday time...i think i wont be able to blogging since i have so many thinks that i have to do...i have no other choice that abandon my blog for a while..but i will try my best to write some updates...thats it for now...i will keep updating u guy...bye....love you

26 April 2010

Racist?? Am I?

P/S:BEFORE I STARTED...I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE...WHAT I SAID MIGHT HURT YOUR FEELING...BUT THIS IS JUST A THOUGHT....IM SO SORRY...SINCERELY

Hai guys...how are u guys doing...For whom that already graduated matriculation i wanna say congratulation and i hope u guys could enter the university that u guys choose....

I just finish watching hindi movie..."My name is khan"...Im shocked because the file that i download quite large than what i normally downloaded... but i guess the quality is good thats y the file's size kindda large...but then it is actually 2 hour and half movie...Gosh...i never wash a single movie that long...but that what i got...need to realease some steam...And God...i cried almost whole time...the story really overwhelming... They story basis on Muslim...but what i get from the movie...THere are only 2 kind of people...bad people and good people...THere are no kindda muslim, christian, Jewish Buddha and so on...Everyone just the same...

Im open minded person and i really dunt mind to be friend to anybody and even my boyfriend is a muslim...but its normal....im just ordinary human...so of course i have my own thought that different from other...and so are u guy... So i cant help it when sometime im cursing some race...not that im racist but it is general...because of one person,everyone also included...but thats just on spot feeling which will just go away after few days...

Recently racism that i have done...which just gone after few hours....regarding a chaos that happened in our mainland...I forgot which state....chaos between muslim and christian...certain Muslim people claiming Christian stole their sacred book...The Bible...When my mom told me...i laugh so hard....my mom asked why u laugh...this is serious....and i still remember what i said...

" The Muslim so stupid...why i say so mummy? because this stealing thingy happened ...what...thousand year...million year?? i also lost in count of history...While at high school...we learned about this stealing thingy also...Over soooo i mean sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many year and decade...they claiming back??? What the hell...this thing happened between our ancestor...what had happened...HAD HAPPENED!! it is a past...Cant they think about that??!! Christian and Muslim and even Buddha or other relegion in the world....it just the same...Still asking as to do good....the regulation just the same...accept we are not allowed married 4 girls as malays!!"

My mom laugh for the last part...Seriusly....i love muslim...im not lying...all my four bestfriend...IKA, ANNA, SABA AND FAIZ...all are muslim...why are we teenegers....still can loving each other and respect each other even we are young...and for the elders...why u didnt just do the same...we are the same...our blood still red...Sometimes it funny....especially for the lover who are from different background and religions...they facing so many difficulties...but I proud with some couple...who dont care all about that...as long they love and care about each other...Just like my fried...JOhnny and err...forgot his spouse name...hehe... THey married for 5 years now...they come from different background and also grow up with different religons...they had faced a lot...and sometime they felt they want to give up but because of the love that grow stronger each day....they succeded... and even they are married...they still with their own religion. Muslim and Roman Catholic Christian..how? i dunno....i did ask...but i really dunt understand....especially the law part...and religion...is that possible? u guys tell me...and they now have 4 kids...3 boys and 1 girl( twins and 2 boys)...there fifth upcoming...anyway...im hoping they will be happy forever....May God bless them

24 April 2010

im dilemma

okay...i just got a call from my friend...he really sound terrible...well...my friend have a dance group...they dance all type of dance....and when they first form a group...they just started with 2 person...they are couple...my friend roland and his girlfren michelle.... and they year by year their group expand...now they have more than 10 members...where 10 members are fully committed including roaland and michelle and other 6 only come or join them for fun and when needed or we called them backup dancer...

So...he called me...and told me he broke up with michelle because michelle having an affair with other guy in the the group(backup dancer)...so because of the fight and the arguments...michelle and that guy left the group...simply ended their dance career.... So the problem now...they have competition with their o 1 enemy in 2 months...regarding their group pride...who is the best....kidda stupid i think...but hey what should i say right...

So after michelle and rizal(michelle's affair) left...the group just falling appart since michelle is their choreographer and lead dancer and make up artist... WOW... so roland ask my help....and i screaming on the top of my lung...yelling at him after he throw the question or more to the request....at that moment...i felt i wanna kick his a**... HE ASK ME TO BECOME ONE OF HIS DANCER AND HELP HIM CHOREOGRAPH!!! He said he saw me how passion i am and how i love to dance....Is he blind or what... I havent dance like what 13 year??? and my body now?? he try to make a point by pointing to his dancer maya who just chubby as i am but she still can dance perfectly....So my mouth locked for that time....

He give me time until next week...that just day after tomorrow...so guys....what do you think? shoul i or shouldnt i?? at this moment...i think no....but if u think i should...give me reason why...coz i can ended up humiliating myself

14 April 2010

fever and my face swollen

Its been a very long time since my last entry...things just dunt really good here....exam is a round the corner....its really stress me up...and less then an hour...i have geotechnical engineering midterm test. For 3 days straight i studied geotechnical and im dizzy already....but for this 3 days i only studied partial....just get ready for the midterm test...


My rumate really cant shut her mouth...she always making sound and its very annoying...and what make it worse when she like screaming and singing along following the song that she heard and on the same time, dancing!!!! argh!!! i could not take it anymore...i need a quite sound...i can take it if she talking with other housemate or laughing hysterically but singing, screaming, whinny, dancing at my back and always make chocking sound when she can answer the questions....its drive me crazy!!!!!... i prefer to study late at night...when everyone is sleeping....and on day time...i prefer to sleep...yeah my sleep is disturbed...but much better that my studies are disturbed...but the consequences... i have a fever...my body temperature so high until my gum and my face swollen....and while im sleeping i need to put wet towel on my face to reduces the heat...

Its really disturbing..but what could i do....i guess i need to sacrifice a bit...i need to ensure my pointer rise this semester.... I felt weird myself...i never study like this crazy...im forcing myself without i realize until my sister told me to stop doing it...maybe the pressure....hmmm

05 April 2010

unfair life

This few weeks really a crazy week....sometimes i felt i barely can breath.... Just now...i received an mms from my bestfriend in high school.it was a picture that her younger sister and friend taken in the hospital with our former English teacher. Few months ago, he was attacked by stroke and now in recovery session....It really break my heart... He was very strict teaher but he have a very loving, warm and kind heart... He love all his student...he advise us a lot....he like our second father... He getting better...but he never the same teacher that we use to know....


My bestfriend told me, last school holiday, my teacher ask his wife to bring him to the school...having some tour there....and then he just sit on the stage at the gathering hall, just looking at the empty space....Its break both of our heart when listening to my friend's sister story.... i know he really dedicate to his work...he spend most of his life at the school...and now....he only can do just watch it from far and hear it from his student and wife.... Life is unfair.....he such a good person but why he get such an illness....

Both of us really want to see him but at the same time...we dont want to go....because...we dont want him to see us crying... we cry just listening and see his picture...what if we go stand in front of him...im sure...we will become weak and crying....we dont want him to see us like that....i want to look strong in front of him...and give him strength to go on with his life....

Today is his birthday....i really wish i was there to celebrate with him....He is the light in my life.... when i was in the dark....when i was searching in the dark....he give me his hand and guide me to the light...guide me to the right road....and now?? I know....every each of his student would pray for him each day....i just wondering...if only we could do more for him and sacrifice something like he use to do.....

03 April 2010

Miss my little angel

Hai guys...as far you know i have two little angel...i miss them but i had another angel that i missed the most....I never have a chance to see or known him... i lost him before i even know he exist. Few years ago...my mom was pregnant the forth child.... unfortunately, we dunno about it and even mom didnt know...its like just 2 month....


At that time...our family have a problem... my mom was sick that time and 3 of us sisters in our room sleeping... We don't know that our father was not home that night.... The next day after i woke up, my mom complaining...she having a serious bleeding during PMS and its really hurt....Things just gone crazy whole day with my mom really look sick and i need to take over with house cores and also with my both sister...we didnt know later early in the morning....before sunrise, my father brought my mom to the hospital since she really week during the bleeding which doest seem normal for PMS....

That day...my mom just silence herself...even my father look different....there is guilt in his face and things just gone very wrong ever since....Until one day....my aunt accidently spilled the things out while she was talking to my grandmother...maybe she didn't realize i was there....my grandmother was shocked and my aunt speechless...i left them and i try to put the event together....after im sure...i went and ask my aunt...at first she refuse to tell me...but i insist and i wont leave unless she told me the truth....

The truth..... The night before....my mom was sick....i didn't know dad my dad was not home and in fact nobody know where he is that night....That night my mom went to the toilet....and last thing she know...next morning she wake up on the toilet floor...she thought she fall asleep when she went to the toilet... That morning all the bleeding started...She thought she having her PMS (like she told me)....but the blood wont stop....until that night my dad come home....my mom condition really weak...at first she refuse to go to the hospital until early in the morning, her condition getting worse....so my dad force her to go to the hospital...there, the doctor confirm she had miscarriage and they need to clean her up or she could die since the baby still inside....

After that long....i know what happen....that time...my heart crushed...i know how much i want another sibling, so do both my sister who keep asking for a baby like everyday.... that time...i really hate my dad...thats why i never talk to him really much except after i was accepted to unimas.....my mom dunt have a clue that i know about the baby... i cried for few days....all that happened just because some stupid mistake that my dad did which now i know now that wasnt because him alone like i used to think....

That time...for the history class ( form 2)...our teacher ask us to write an essay about my family...Using the assignment....i write everything about the miscarrige....once i finished it....i submit it quietly without showing it to my mom and my friend as i use to do...after i get it back....i kept it locked in the bookshelf...

After 4 years When i was in matriculation....i ask my sister (2nd child) to open the shelf and read my assignment....after an hour...as i expected she called me and cried.... i explain to her.. thats why that assignment is the only assignment that i never let them read it and i didnt let them near to me when i write it down.... It hard to explain...since every they ask me when they can have new siblings to play with.... i dont want to break their heart...i just need to wait for them to be mature enough....it is hard time to tell her about the baby....it just break our heart....i ask her to keep it for another year before we break the news to our lilttle sister....

When the time come.....she didnt cry....we just glad...we thought she dont mind since she told us she love to be the youngest.. until one day.....we just talking to adopt a baby while having dinner together. The reason we gave to my mom was, when i leave for school....she would still have 3 childs in that house..Beside that my parent want to help one family who cannot afford to rise their newborn baby...And so sudden my younger sister said seriously and looking to my eyes... " I had another siblings....even though he is not here that enough for me that we know we had him....i only can give my love to one person and for my own blood. Nobody could share the love that i have for him "

All of us speechless... I went to the bedroom and cried....My youngest sister who i thought very stubborn and dont have a feeling about the lost.... just like us...remembering our lilttle brother that we never known and missing him every each day....

Its been nearly 7 years since the lost....yet we still remember him and we really miss him...if only we have a chance to see him once...just once would be enough..... In every moment....in every special moment....we always wish that he also have a chance to know that how much his 3 big sisters love him and miss him....


'Gift'

Hai...its been a long time since my last update...It just now it getting crazy since final exam is around the corner so the final assignment just flow like overflow river after heavy rain.... Plus...so many things bothering me....


It just start 3 years ago....It been a long time and i still have some adjustment to do....When i was young until im reach 17....my life just perfectly normal...just like normal teenagers....stubborn, searching for identity, searching for more attention and love and want to live on my own way without nobody telling me what i should and shouldnt do....a very normal teenagers... All that 17 years, i know i need to compete with my little sisters....for my parents attention since the my sisters, the 2nd child... she have a special gift....its not really that special....but that gift save all my family life....she have a very strong instinct (i guess)... she can felt if there will something bad going to happen....it just she dunno what, to whom or when it will happen since she was 5 years old...at first we done believe....but since the robbery at my father's shop...i tried to figure out....

That night...she dunt want to sleep...my mom and my dad tried everything and i can heard she cried from my aunt room which is just two doors away... She usually easy to fall asleep...just give her the towel that she love to cuddle while sleeping, in just second...she will sleeping....Differently that night....my dad tried everything...my mom ask for my help is i can sing a lullaby for her like i used to do when she just a baby....but it doest work....she keep pointing at the door...when we ask....she dunt want to said anything....when my mom and my dad step out the door she screaming.... my sister look at me and like to tell us something.... but then....she stop crying...its already 6 am....i went for sleep....next thing i know...my aunt wake me up...tell me my father shop which is just downstair was robbed... surprisingly.... the theft tried to break the door that was locked to go upstairs...somehow...something stop him or them....I sat there and try to figure it out...We lost more that RM 3000...Thanks God the attempt to break through to upstair where we live was failed or God know what could happen to us....

Its took me 8 years to figure after i strongly thought i have something going on....and lastly one day, i ask her if she remember the night of the robbery....her face change but calmly ask why i ask.... I said...you felt it...something gonna happen...maybe chestpain.... fast heartbeat...and sweating for no reason like you really afraid and run for your life.... She was really shocked...she look at me silently....i nodded....i think i have it now....i started to have all this things after i start my study at matriculation..... thats when i figure out about what happen that night and why my parent said she special.... .she said...all that 15 years....she tried to hold her feeling to herself...but its hard....no wonder i caught her crying by herself few time....it is because she dunno how to tell or describe.... She said....now she just think it is a gift...Thats why i understand why she was so mature....different from me...

My 'gift'..... its growing....i didt tell anybody even Faiz who already know about this....and even my sister.... I dream often now (i never dream before...my first dream was when i was 10 years old...bout my result...its come true and that is until i turn 18)....im dreaming things thats gonna happen...something i dream directly about it and sometimes i need to analysis what thats all about...the bad things is....if i was dreaming....i cant be touched or wake up or i'll lost it or forget it....so its always happen and i just realize i did dreamed about it after it was a reality.... All the feeling getting worse when i had them... Its really bothering....sometimes i cried.....sometimes i could not sleep....

I did told my sister....if was given a chance to choose either the gift or normal and bullied teenagers life....i rather get bully....like i was in primary school....


02 April 2010

why i get the fine?


Why i get the fine and asked to return the books?? someone please explain since the due is in 10 days???...